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"I'm no longer bound by social norms or fearful of reprise and will hurt you as much as I can with words.”
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"You're not the boss of GoFundMe campaigns. I'm allowed to raise money for whatever the fuck I want."
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"People need to learn to leave their personal lives at the door. This isn't The Kardashians."
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"I'm extremely emotional over this and was up all night in tears."
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“Did you know he has an army of angels and they all have flaming swords?”
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"I don't know what you people do in your own country, but in America we don't go onto other people's property and touch their stuff."
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"David changed the title on my business cards to Horse Whisperer. This is a waste of company money and is unprofessional."
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"My ears are hot. Do you ever get that? Hot ears?"
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"Has the Ring frozen? Never mind, I just saw a car drive past."
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That's Not How It Works

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Overdue Account

"Dear Jane, I do not have any money so I am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead."
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It's like Twitter. Except we charge people to use it.

"If you put as much energy into the projects as you do being a dickhead you'd be a lot more successful."
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Nowhere in the Bible does Jesus have a sword fight

"The Papua New Guinean mud god, Pikkiwoki, promises a pig and as many coconuts as you can carry."
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Simon's Guide to Shopping at IKEA

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“Hello, my name is Carl and I love mowing. We should hang out sometime. Between 6.30pm and 7pm works best for me.”
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Have you done your timesheets?

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Just let the poor thing die, Jack

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Too Cool For School

"We should paint flames on the sides of our car. Girls like cars with flames on the sides."
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Things Holly and I have argued about

"The nachos were a bit runny so I added a few cups of water and put it in the blender. It's nacho soup."
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Opinions are like nipples

"It's my most fervent opinion that you need to find a highly skilled psychiatrist post-haste."
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"This is the worst CD I've ever heard. I'd rather listen to monkeys screaming."
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"I checked with Carol at the mini golf hut and no pants were found on the fence."
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"He's fresh, fragrant, and economical due to a single bar of soap lasting several months."
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"I'm not sure what I was expecting but I wasn't expecting so many penises."
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I wish I had a monkey

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"Without a concise set of rules to follow we would probably all have to resort to common sense."
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Simon's good ideas for websites

"Do not copy these ideas because they are mine."
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The ducks in the bathroom are not mine

"Strata rules exist for the benefit and well-being of all residents including yourself."
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A week in the life of a busy Creative Director

"You've probably heard of me as I'm known as the Design Guru of Adelaide. Everybody calls me that."
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1 girl, 12 cups

"People should wash their own coffee cups or at least take it in turns to wash them."
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What's in the box?

"I delivered a box of bolts for a customer once which was really heavy. I’m very strong though."
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Anyone for tennis?

"Hello, my name is Holly and I love playing tennis. Not with David though, because he cheats."
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Professional Photography Tips

"Hello, my name is Thomas and I have a digital camera and a wide aperature."
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Disappointed

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"Just popping out for half an hour to get some lunch and do some stuff. I've diverted the phones."
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Devoid of social consciousness or culture

"Only in a backwards town like Adelaide would you get dickheads who write crap like you."
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"Wait. That's it? There were a lot more articles the last time I was on this website."
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